Going Nowhere

Alternate side parking means that New York City's Sanitation department comes around when it wants to remove garbage placed by the curb. During school days, you cannot park near or in front of a school from 7AM to 4PM. So I had to move the car this morning because of the double whammy potential ust mentioned. I find parking in front my cousin's house over by the Brooklyn Eighth Avenue Chinatown, which is nearly as stinky and dirty as the Manhattan one. But it's okay, I have my iPod on and the music is going.

Upon arrival to the train station, a sign says there's no train to Manhattan, one must take the Brooklyn train deeper to another station to catch any trains going to Manhattan. Nice! Especially as throngs of smelly and unbathed Chinese stream into the station. It's okay, the iPod is now fully kicking. Here's come an N-train. I get off two stops later at New Utrecht. There's a D train but its doors just closed, so I wait as it's only 725AM. AHA! An N-train arrives and runs express to 36th Street. Woot woot!

At 36th Street, the N-train I'm on comes in on the local side but an N-train also comes streaming into the station on the express track. Damn, it's my lucky but funky day! Now, it's my fourth stop and there's two more stop til Canal Street. At 815, I arrive in the original and ever-smellier Chinatown. It's still early so I opt for a steak bagel from McDonalds and a well-done hash brown. The only thing to blow my interesting morning commute was the shitty coffee that came with it.

I'm taking a short break now and going to Starbucks for my usual venti. Mmmmm.....

National Geographic

I'm tired because I missed the first showing of Part 2, Zero Hour, of the two part series, Inside 9/11. The repeat aired at 1AM. Having seen the first part Sunday night, I wasn't going to miss Part 2. The channel did an amazing job chronicling the events leading up to that horrible day and ended with the reporting of the latest bombings in London last month. It concluded with a remark from Bin Laden himself in November: "We love death. The U.S. loves life. That is the difference between us."

We live in messed up times. Smile and say "hello" to your neighbors.

Daily commute

As I've done both the drive and taking the train to work, I surely choose driving to work because I don't have to deal with the packaged sardine atmosphere. It's not that I'm grumpy in the morning, the iPod and magazines help with taking me to my happy place. I can deal with people being a little rude as we all want to get to work on time or have things to do wherever we're going. I'm also okay with older ladies, sometimes the men, pushing me to get to the just vacated seat. What does bother me is:

BODY ODOR: I can understand if one woke up late and had to get going. But, please, shower, wear clean clothes or do something about the funk since I'm sure you quietly bitch about it too. We all know that the N train is the worst with its occasional non-working air-conditioning, so with the summer full on, swipe some Arrid/Secret/Degree or whatever to your pits when you wear your hoochie-ass lingerie-looking tops. Maybe, wash your clothes more often as well as your hair or let air move through your apartment so your clothes don't stink. PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT B.O. that obviously singed your sense of smell cuz you ain't fine if you stink. *SNAP, Turn, SNAP, Walking Away*

In the nearly two years that I've been commuting on the N line, I have been pushed, stepped on and shoved. Usually, I keep my mouth shut as they almost always seemed worry that I'd kick their ass when they look up to see who's pushing back or not moving out of their way. I don't mind folks rushing for a newly open seat or trying to get onboard with a loaded train. Just recently, the free local paper rated all the trains and the survey said that the N line is by the worst bang for the buck. Thanks Mr. Murphy.

For those who have that rage (or are in denial) about the shitty traffic on the daily commute, please fret not. You are comfortably seated. You can control the temperature of your environment. You can change the radio station/cd. You can pull over for a mocha latte and/or donut. Just be mindful of the moving traffic, pedestrians and avoid rubbernecking. Most importantly, you don't have to worry about stinky body odors.

Nicotine-free: 3.5 days and holding on.

Deja New

As I was entering the loo this morning, I had a deja vu experience that took me back to last year's August 17th. That was the day I first blogged about my relationship with a particular woman to which a male friend having an insider's view quickly alerted that woman. Thus, a friendship dating back to elementary school ended.

That experience taught me several things:

1. That woman is an unmotivated broke-ass moocher
2. That guy probably still faults me for outing my dirty laundry (no names were used) because if he could figure out who I was blogging about, so could the whole world
3. I'm better off today having realized how much I was taken for granted
4. I needn't feel guilty for saying "no"
5. Unconditional friendship or love is cool; it isn't when it's one-sided

It might sound tit-for-tit, but the energy flow in friendships and relationships go both ways. I'm just dismayed that I get this silence or frown when I say "no" now. That's just wrong.

What's happened in a year's time?

1. I learned that woman has been a moocher for long time
2. That guy blogs almost incessantly here on blogspot!
3. I don't feel guilty saying "no" anymore
4. I do consider helping out when asked; it's not nearly as automatic as before
5. I'm simply happier and know myself better

It would be funny if that guy reads this entry and publishes on his blog how I once again should/shouldn't, is/isn't and/or must/mustn't. Bite me bitch.

Oh, it's been 37 hours and counting. Has nothing to do with Peter Jennings but it's just time to stop. Almost caved last night; luckily, I had no cash and wasn't going out once I got home. Phew! The power of "No" can be righteous.

Becoming clear...

Last night, I had some unsettling thoughts about my health. For the last three years, I had a minor heartbeat irregularity. I had seen a cardiologist who said that it wasn't anything to worry about. For a period of a few months just after I moved out, it went away. Of course, thinking about it, it came back.

Today, on the train ride home, I started having thoughts about an impending heart attack. I'm guessing that my body is telling me that it's time to give up the smoking, finally get down to 200 and limit the boozing to once every other week or a month. I have three packs left.

I think I'm ready. I'm pretty sure of it. I'm ready to believe. Interesting how I was wondering about faith just the other night.

Is more better?

Generally, more is better. However, that isn't the case at work. In the first quarter, we were ahead of budget and I was slacking given my very apparent demeanor with regards to the impending raise and bonus worries. Lo and behold, my worries came true, I got shafted. For a moment, I did wonder if I was an integral part of the team or not. Maybe I should just look for a new job.

Then the fan started to breakdown and the workflow picked up. We lost the 3-person team in our Queens office, fired an incompetent but picked up another one and people started paying off their loans. Now, the budget is about $150 million behind. Whoa!

To the relief of the GM, I narrowed that gap by 1/3 and probably can make up 1/2 to 3/4 of the rest by the end of the year. Yet, the dude still persists is pushing me to make up the end amount. As an incentive, homey offered a scrumptious dinner challenge which I met but he hasn't come through yet. As additional incentive, homey give me another pittance of a raise which was appreciated but more noted.

The words "good job" used to mean something. Now, it's "what else do you have?" Dammit, I'm going to be the branch sole BACON-DUDE for 2005 and I worry that I will again be disappointed come next year. The crappy highs-and-lows that I put myself through is based on the premise that I do indeed like the job but the pay sucks.

Thank you, Mr. Murphy. More would be better is if it was matched with the performance. I think I need a nice slice of spiced carrot cake.

Old School Fools

Though many family members and friends meant well, their words and actions were either misinterpreted or just came out wrong. Before my aunt passed away, a few came by to visit when she was conscious. They questioned her on why she would do such a "dumb thing", doesn't she "feel guilty" for putting her family through this and groped at her amputated leg. As we all wanted to know why, all the cousins seemed to be able to hold their tongues on those aspects and tried to be positive. BUT, the elders hammered at her. It drove my cousins and I mad.

DAMMIT! She was hurting already and professing her apologies and confessing her pain which we, the Americanized cousins, heard and told her it was okay and that she'll get better. Why can't the elders for all their frigging wisdom just keep their traps shut? I am particularly upset with another aunt who had a silly long-standing beef with Aunt RIP. I recall at the hospital where she was there for the "last visit" talking crap and then faking sympathies. Grrrrr......

A serious generation and tradition gap surely existed in full force during that tough week. I see it in the funeral arrangements too. I just don't get the politics of elder traditions. I take some blame for being too American.

I would say or do something but have resisted. I hope I can maintain this stance at the wake and funeral this week. Thanks to all those conveying their condolescences.

Life and Death

Friday night was about the celebration of life 34 years ago for a friend. The day before, it was my nephew's 12th birthday. On Sunday, it was my buddy's daughter's 2nd birthday. However, my aunt passed away on Friday as she never recovered from the accident and pneumonia.

I had last seen her awake on June 22nd prior to taking a week's vacation in Wisconsin. Upon my return July 2nd, I was shocked to discover that she had caught pneumonia and was heavily sedated and medicated. I saw her last Monday; she seemed to have lost some weight and my cousin was whispering hopeful words into her ears.

When I got the call Friday night, I was in the middle of the celebratory dinner but I think I hid it well. Though I had driven out, I thought about getting drunk but a few shots later and no buzz catching hold, I gave up and went home early. I was in bed by 130AM.

Another funky week

Just as I thought things would brighten up, it did in a hot and humid way. New York gets so damn hot and humid that one would think a jungle exploded here. I sucked it up for a week and finally bought and installed two air conditioner units. Took about three hours at full blast to cool the place down. Of course, Mr. Murphy decides to bring a cold front and this week is looking pretty nice with lower humidity and temperatures in the mid-70s. Luckily, I got my ACs interest free until January 2006.

Work sucks! The bosses are hammering us for new and more deals but their if-shit-can-happen-then-it-will-definitely-happens attitude isn't helping. I just calculated that I should have booked about $145 with $50 to be closed shortly and another $45 to go. But NOooooooooooooooooooo......they wimps are dinging deals for the dumbest reasons. Dammit, they wanted to grow the portfolio by $150 this year and I could have gotten them there already.

To make this worse, they gave me a pittance of a raise and bonus despite that fact that I accounted for 45% of the book last year.

What did I learn from this? I'm never working for another Chinese bank again as soon as I find a gig and bail.

Ouch!

This has been a funky week. During lunch on Tuesday, I received a call from my cousin that an aunt of ours had tried to kill herself by jumping in front of the train. Typical of my instant cold practicality, I concentrated on finishing the crossword puzzle. I didn't finish and it wasn't because I was dwelling on the horrific news. Afterwards, I went upstairs to my office to get my usual after-meal cigarette. As I lit up outside, it hit me. I was shaken and wondering what's going on. Thinking about why she would do it. How my cousins must be tripping out. Then I remembered hearing that another beloved cousin had accidentally overdoesed recently mixing cold/flu medicine.

I left work early to go to the hospital. The older boys were holding up well, the youngest at 17 was shaky. My uncle was a mess. My aunt has just returned from a CAT scan and was groggy from the painkillers. She lost skin from the burns, lots of blood and her left leg. She appeared really swollen and occasionally came in and out of consciousness as evidenced by eye movements and weak attempts to speak.

I don't understand fully but I think I get the concepts and some shrink speak on suicide. I've been down, depressed and moody but never once did I ever contemplate offing myself. I have on occasions thought that I would die and seemed to welcome it, especially as I was falling asleep. The closest I came to death was falling out of the raft in Costa Rica and the currents pulled me underneath as I was running out of breath. I opened my eyes to see what the onset of death was like. It seemed bright but that was really the work of my lifejacket bringing me back to the surface.

I've blogged a few times on my Xanga site but haven't recently. I've started again today after reading the serial thoughts of a friend's wife as she narrate the wonderful hysteria of being a mother. Maybe I'll write more.

P.S., I thought about taking the Spurs, minus 6.5, and over 176 tonight. The score at halftime is Detroit 37 and San Antonio 35. PHEW!