Old School Fools

Though many family members and friends meant well, their words and actions were either misinterpreted or just came out wrong. Before my aunt passed away, a few came by to visit when she was conscious. They questioned her on why she would do such a "dumb thing", doesn't she "feel guilty" for putting her family through this and groped at her amputated leg. As we all wanted to know why, all the cousins seemed to be able to hold their tongues on those aspects and tried to be positive. BUT, the elders hammered at her. It drove my cousins and I mad.

DAMMIT! She was hurting already and professing her apologies and confessing her pain which we, the Americanized cousins, heard and told her it was okay and that she'll get better. Why can't the elders for all their frigging wisdom just keep their traps shut? I am particularly upset with another aunt who had a silly long-standing beef with Aunt RIP. I recall at the hospital where she was there for the "last visit" talking crap and then faking sympathies. Grrrrr......

A serious generation and tradition gap surely existed in full force during that tough week. I see it in the funeral arrangements too. I just don't get the politics of elder traditions. I take some blame for being too American.

I would say or do something but have resisted. I hope I can maintain this stance at the wake and funeral this week. Thanks to all those conveying their condolescences.

Life and Death

Friday night was about the celebration of life 34 years ago for a friend. The day before, it was my nephew's 12th birthday. On Sunday, it was my buddy's daughter's 2nd birthday. However, my aunt passed away on Friday as she never recovered from the accident and pneumonia.

I had last seen her awake on June 22nd prior to taking a week's vacation in Wisconsin. Upon my return July 2nd, I was shocked to discover that she had caught pneumonia and was heavily sedated and medicated. I saw her last Monday; she seemed to have lost some weight and my cousin was whispering hopeful words into her ears.

When I got the call Friday night, I was in the middle of the celebratory dinner but I think I hid it well. Though I had driven out, I thought about getting drunk but a few shots later and no buzz catching hold, I gave up and went home early. I was in bed by 130AM.

Another funky week

Just as I thought things would brighten up, it did in a hot and humid way. New York gets so damn hot and humid that one would think a jungle exploded here. I sucked it up for a week and finally bought and installed two air conditioner units. Took about three hours at full blast to cool the place down. Of course, Mr. Murphy decides to bring a cold front and this week is looking pretty nice with lower humidity and temperatures in the mid-70s. Luckily, I got my ACs interest free until January 2006.

Work sucks! The bosses are hammering us for new and more deals but their if-shit-can-happen-then-it-will-definitely-happens attitude isn't helping. I just calculated that I should have booked about $145 with $50 to be closed shortly and another $45 to go. But NOooooooooooooooooooo......they wimps are dinging deals for the dumbest reasons. Dammit, they wanted to grow the portfolio by $150 this year and I could have gotten them there already.

To make this worse, they gave me a pittance of a raise and bonus despite that fact that I accounted for 45% of the book last year.

What did I learn from this? I'm never working for another Chinese bank again as soon as I find a gig and bail.

Ouch!

This has been a funky week. During lunch on Tuesday, I received a call from my cousin that an aunt of ours had tried to kill herself by jumping in front of the train. Typical of my instant cold practicality, I concentrated on finishing the crossword puzzle. I didn't finish and it wasn't because I was dwelling on the horrific news. Afterwards, I went upstairs to my office to get my usual after-meal cigarette. As I lit up outside, it hit me. I was shaken and wondering what's going on. Thinking about why she would do it. How my cousins must be tripping out. Then I remembered hearing that another beloved cousin had accidentally overdoesed recently mixing cold/flu medicine.

I left work early to go to the hospital. The older boys were holding up well, the youngest at 17 was shaky. My uncle was a mess. My aunt has just returned from a CAT scan and was groggy from the painkillers. She lost skin from the burns, lots of blood and her left leg. She appeared really swollen and occasionally came in and out of consciousness as evidenced by eye movements and weak attempts to speak.

I don't understand fully but I think I get the concepts and some shrink speak on suicide. I've been down, depressed and moody but never once did I ever contemplate offing myself. I have on occasions thought that I would die and seemed to welcome it, especially as I was falling asleep. The closest I came to death was falling out of the raft in Costa Rica and the currents pulled me underneath as I was running out of breath. I opened my eyes to see what the onset of death was like. It seemed bright but that was really the work of my lifejacket bringing me back to the surface.

I've blogged a few times on my Xanga site but haven't recently. I've started again today after reading the serial thoughts of a friend's wife as she narrate the wonderful hysteria of being a mother. Maybe I'll write more.

P.S., I thought about taking the Spurs, minus 6.5, and over 176 tonight. The score at halftime is Detroit 37 and San Antonio 35. PHEW!